


per aspera ad astra

by Mia_Zeklos



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Canon-Typical Violence, M/M, Parabatai Bond, starts deviating from canon mid-2x04 and goes from there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-04
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2018-11-23 09:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11399553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mia_Zeklos/pseuds/Mia_Zeklos
Summary: After his trial, Jace is stripped of his runes and banished from Shadowhunter society.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, a vague timeline of events:  
> Jace is sentenced for high treason in 2x04 and deruned after that; all following episodes are adjusted accordingly. The next canon events are from 2x07, where Clary meets Ithuriel, with the only difference being that she's alone at the time and talks about what happened immediately instead of hiding the truth, which all on its own sort of prevents the next two episodes, and 2x10 goes as planned with slight tweakings here and there. I haven't delved too deeply into the differences because, to be honest, the main (next) part of this fic follows an alternate version of 2b and I don't think anyone would have wanted to read a rewriting of half of 2a in painful detail anyway.  
> The title translates as _through hardships to the stars_ and is in Latin. I hope you enjoy this and I'd love to know what you think!

It had hurt from the start. Of course it had. The pain had been excruciating and the only thing keeping Alec quiet and in his place had been the knowledge that anything else would only make things so much worse for Jace. That didn’t make it any easier to bear – if anything, just looking at Jace where he was in the middle of the hall hurt much more than the echo of the torture itself did – but it kept Alec’s mind clear. Or, at the very least, clear enough that he could try and help him through it all.

None of it could compare to the pain of their bond breaking.

Alec doubled over, clutching at his side and biting his lip until he could taste blood. Everything was covered in blood, it seemed; it was dripping from his mouth, over his fingers where they were pressed over his rune, clouding his vision when he tried to look for his parabatai even as he was slipping away.

He could feel someone trying to hold him back, fingers digging into his shoulder even as he struggled against them. Jace had asked for him to stay away, to not make this more painful than it needed to be, and Alec had listened. He had done what he could to keep quiet because he knew just as well as Jace did that there was nothing to be done and he would suffer even more if he had to see his parabatai suffer, too. And they had both known, in theory, that this was coming but it had still caught Alec completely by surprise.

It wasn’t like anything he had expected. It made sense; their souls were so intertwined that he had started considering Jace’s as a part of his own and now that it was forcibly torn away, it was much _more_ than he’d thought and it left an open wound behind, the space so terrifyingly empty that Alec could barely comprehend it.

As always, they were completely in sync. It was the last straw. With one last cry, Jace curled in on himself and the pressure against his restraints relaxed as he finally, mercifully, lost consciousness.

*******

“You know that doesn’t mean that you can never see me again.” Jace’s voice held a faint attempt at comfort, but it didn’t quite reach its goal – the words sounded tired and hollow enough for Clary to start crying even harder. It wasn’t for the first time; she had been inconsolable since last night when the last part of Jace’s trial had taken place. In all the time preceding that, she had been following Isabelle in her righteous anger and neither of them had accepted that there was nothing to be done until the very last moment.

But this had all happened _before_. Before Victor Aldertree’s report to the Clave; before the Inquisitor had decided that Jace was to blame for the stolen Soul Sword; before she had turned his deruning into a public spectacle meant to show everyone that the Law was to be feared no matter who you were and what you could do.

 _The descent into Hell is easy_. If one of the bravest Nephilim of the new generation, a shining example of the Angel’s mission, could become corrupted, then no one could really be safe. His demon blood had to be taken into consideration too, of course, and that had only made the Inquisitor more vicious.

After the initial disbelief, Jace went willingly. Alec suspected that the Inquisitor had threatened him that if he didn’t cooperate, then everyone else who had helped him on his way back to the Institute wouldn’t escape unharmed either. There was nothing else that Alec could think of that would make him give up everything he had, everything he _was_ , as easily as he had.

None of that mattered now, he reminded himself. What mattered was letting Jace say his goodbyes and getting him safely out of the Institute and then- they could decide what would happen then. The only thing Alec was sure of was that there was no way he was letting him out of his sight, his resolution only strengthened by the overwhelming blankness left by his parabatai’s soul.

In the past few hours, Alec had tried to reach out more times than he could count, a small, hopeful part of him certain that if he looked hard enough, Jace would be there somewhere, but he never was. And he never would be again. Alec had already repeated that to himself enough times for the words to lose meaning, but it hadn’t been enough for them to really sink in.

It had sunk in just fine for Clary and Izzy, though; they had spent every possible moment after the ritual had ended around Jace, making use of any second they could steal away before he was required to leave. After the first hour or so, Alec had stepped away. He already knew that he would be seeing Jace more often than either of them and it felt unfair to interfere, no matter how much he wanted to.

But it was almost time now. Offering a few more words of consolation to Clary, Jace stepped away, squeezing her hand one last time before heading towards the main exit.

Even though he’d been angry initially, Alec was now glad that Jace’s remaining time at the Institute had run out in the middle of the night. Everyone was either asleep or out on a mission and, parabatai bond or not, he knew that Jace wouldn’t want to be seen leaving like this.

“I can get your clothes to Magnus’s pace tomorrow,” Alec said as they left the Institute. Jace shook his head. He hadn’t been allowed to keep any of his belongings aside from his phone, but he hadn’t protested and he didn’t seem inclined to change that now.

“I can get myself new ones.”

Of course. All he had was hunting gear; the last thing he would want to be dressed in just now. Alec’s heart constricted painfully as he watched him wrap his arms around himself. He flinched away when Alec tried to touch him and it wasn’t difficult to understand why – his skin felt raw and painful and every touch was still far too  much for him to bear, but.

“Jace.” It was a sentence all on its own; just his name. “You have to tell me- I don’t know what you need.”

It wasn’t something he had ever imagined saying and that made it all the harder, but it was the only possible solution. He didn’t know how to _not_ be completely honest with Jace when he couldn’t tell what his parabatai felt and it only made sense for him to try and give him something, _anything_ , that could help. After everything Jace had lost – including his mother, and wasn’t _that_ a thought Alec had tried to drown more than once already – he wanted nothing more than to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

“I don’t need anything,” Jace said, shrinking in even more on himself. “Come on,” he whispered as he sped up, and this time it sounded as if he wasn’t talking to Alec at all. “We need to get out of here.”

*******

If there was one thing that Jace regretted about the last hours he had spent at the Institute, it was the fact that it was all a blur.

It was a pity, really. He had meant every word he had said. He did want to keep in touch with both Clary and Izzy and he knew that they would do everything they could to follow through, but the goodbyes had still been altogether too _final_ for him to hope for much. And why would it be any different? It was fair, after all. He’d always tried to stay away from mundanes because of how uncooperative they tended to be. It wasn’t their fault that they got in the way even when they tried to help; that was what he’d always told himself. It was in their nature. He had never bothered trying to understand just how _blind_ they were.

But he wasn’t really a mundane. It was the one thought he had left to cling to; the Shadow world was his to explore without difficulty and as long as he had that, not everything had to be lost. He could still see every little detail of the world around him even without his runes and, as a slightly more comforting reminder, he could still sense Alec following him down the street like an anxious, restless shadow.

Without him even thinking about it, Jace’s fingers strayed up to where their parabatai rune had been. The Silent Brother had torn through it with his stele seconds before Jace had stopped fighting the pain and that was how he had realised that despite his warnings, Alec had been there the entire time; channelling every bit of energy he had through their bond to lessen the hurt. The shock of it disappearing so abruptly had left him defenceless and he faintly remembered blacking out, only to wake up in the infirmary. Everything after that had been a whirlwind of tears and promises and plans being made and he hadn’t had a moment to breathe before he’d had to leave the only home he had known for years.

Magnus had offered him to stay at his place for however long he needed and Jace had accepted, as grateful as he was reluctant. He didn’t want to stray too far from the world he knew, but he didn’t want to rely too much on the Downworld either. Most Downworlders tried to steer clear from the Nephilim, but things could easily change for the deruned ones. He would be _powerless_ , and that was what Jace feared the most – the helplessness that would come with being little more than a mundane.

Alec’s nervous presence made things better and worse at the same time. On one hand, him being here was the most grounding thing Jace had experienced since his arrest, but it was also a painful reminder of the aching emptiness where his parabatai’s soul should have been. The acute awareness of where Alec was and what he felt was gone, forcing Jace to blindly grasp for something he could never find. The frustration was almost too much to bear and Jace stopped abruptly, turning around to face Alec for the first time since they’d left the Institute. Alec had frozen in his place too, eyes studying his face with an intensity that felt too close to Jace’s state of mind just then.

He had heard the stories of Shadowhunters who had lost a limb in battle; how they sometimes felt the pain from it years, decades later and how it could never truly leave. Phantom pain, that was what it was called and while he’d escaped all his battles unscathed, Jace suspected that he knew perfectly well what it felt like. Alec’s absence _hurt_ ; the memory of his soul in its rightful place next to Jace’s much more painful than the deruning had been.

Angel help him, he was grateful. If the pain meant that he would never forget, then he never wanted it to stop.

By the time his mind focused back on the present, Alec was already drawing him into an embrace and, for just a few moments, Jace knew that he was home again.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Alec left his weapons by the door as he came in; a regular occurrence these days. Magnus had magicked a training room in the flat specifically for those purposes, but Alec knew that Seraph blades were still a sore topic. While Jace had never had a weapon as constant as Alec’s bow, the blades had always been his weapon of choice and he hadn’t picked one up since his runes had been removed. It wasn’t because of a sudden aversion to weapons – if anything, he had started working with human-made ones so that he could get used to them – but rather a deep, unspoken fear that despite his angel blood, they wouldn’t light up under his touch anymore. It didn’t make sense, but Alec could understand – in the last month, every reminder of his life as a Shadowhunter seemed to have the worst effect imaginable, even if it had started gradually getting better. It had to, eventually – every day was a reminder, whether he wanted it or not.

As it had turned out, mundanes with the Sight were very sought after in the Downworld for all sorts of purposes. They usually had a Seelie ancestor or a deruned Shadowhunter in their family and their blood carried magic through their veins; enough of it for them to get around in the Shadow world just fine. Jace was very good at playing his role, but the fact that he had to do it in the first place was tearing him apart. Alec didn’t need a parabatai bond to be able to tell; not after having spent half of his life with Jace by his side.

 If Alec was honest with himself - and he tried to be, especially now - that was what bothered him the most. It wasn't the change, or Jace's continued absence, or even the daily reminders that his parabatai wasn't - couldn't be - a part of his world anymore; not how he'd been before. It was difficult to try and talk to him about it because he knew that Jace remembered it just as clearly, but it was just as difficult not to. He couldn’t keep himself away when, even if he hadn’t said it outright, Jace needed help more than ever. He was doing everything he could to let him know that he was there – including daily reports from everything that happened in the Institute, no matter how insignificant – and he could tell that Magnus was growing exasperated with it all over time. He had been the one to offer Jace a place to stay and he didn’t seem to regret it and while at first Alec had thought that Jace living with Magnus meant that he could balance the situation, things were slowly slipping out from under his control.

The only silver lining was the fact that Jace kept himself busy. It wasn’t easy to dwell on everything that had gone wrong when he spent so much time in the Downworld anyway, and while Alec couldn’t ignore just how difficult the process was, he was glad to see him get back on his feet.

“Is Jace home?” The already customary greeting left his mouth before Alec had even checked the entire flat. He wasn’t allowed to come into contact, but that hadn’t stopped him so far and while he’d tried to think of an explanation for his presence every time – today it was Clary and her rather specific problem, under the premise that only Jace would truly understand – he knew that he would have been here with or without the excuse. There was no threat severe enough to stop him; not this time. “It’s urgent.”

“He left almost an hour ago.” Magnus looked up from the spell book spread out in front of him. He seemed to be adding notes and on a normal day, Alec would have taken a look himself already. The day was as far from normal as it could get, though, and Magnus had picked up on that right away. “What is it? Is someone hurt?”

“It’s Clary. She’s fine,” Alec added when he saw the worry in Magnus’s eyes. “Or at least, I think she is. But she claims she’s seen an angel.”

Magnus froze mid-sentence and put his pen to the side, his entire focus on the conversation now. “That’s not-”

“-possible. I know.” That was putting it mildly; while it _was_ possible in theory, it just didn’t make sense. “But she’s absolutely certain. He gave her a vision and she freed him with a rune. Valentine held him captive,” he clarified at Magnus’s raise eyebrows, “and she tried an unlocking rune first. It didn’t work, so she tried something else and- Magnus, it’s unlike anything I’ve ever seen before.”

He had been conscious of the fact that he was dangerously close to rambling from the start, but Magnus’s expression was still telling of just how bad it had all sounded. He let himself be pulled over to the sofa, vaguely aware that Magnus actually seemed shocked. It was a rare enough occurrence for it to really stick now.

“Why don’t you start from the beginning?”

*******

By the time Alec was finished with his story, Jace hadn’t come back yet and the look in Magnus’s eyes had shifted from confusion to something resembling anxiety and Alec knew him well enough by now to know that it was a bad sign. Magnus had an explanation or at least an inkling for just about every obstacle they’d met so far, no matter how difficult it was to figure out, and the realisation that he was just as clueless was unsettling.

“I don’t know if I can help her,” he said, breaking the silence that had stretched between them. “But I don’t think anyone else could either. If you could bring her here-”

“No one told me we were going to have guests.”

Alec had been so engrossed by trying to find a solution that he hadn’t heard Jace come in. His parabatai, as attuned to him as ever despite everything, noticed the tension in the room in a matter of moments.

“Is there anything wrong?” The concern was evident in his eyes and while the last thing Alec wanted was to put even more on his plate, Jace being worried was still a welcome change from the vacant expression of the last few weeks. He did look better these days, Alec couldn’t help but notice; some of the colour had returned to his face and he was bursting with energy, which was both a blessing and a curse: it seemed to make him feel better, but without his runes, demon hunting was still firmly out of the question.

“Valentine managed to capture an angel and Clary met him last night.” It was better to just say it, Alec figured; one way or another, he knew that he couldn’t hide anything from Jace. “She told me all about it, but I can’t- She wanted to speak to you too. I thought you might know something about it.”

“I need to talk to her.” Jace spoke before Alec had even had the chance to finish his sentence; he had frozen in place, eyes wide with apprehension. “I know it’s not allowed, but- Alec, you need to get her out of there for now. We’ll figure something out then, but for now-”

“I’ll do what I can.” Jace _did_ know something, that much was clear now, but it wasn’t very likely that he’d talk; not without Clary around. It figured that he’d decide that it wasn’t his story to tell.

“Not here,” Jace hurried to say as Alec made his way to the door. “I’ve got a better idea.”

*******

Jace’s idea was exactly how they found themselves in the _Hunter’s Moon_ several hours later for an emergency meeting. Isabelle hadn’t been able to make it; she never seemed to be around these days and while Alec wanted to bring it up, he didn’t feel like he’d earned the right – after all, he spent most of his time away from the Institute too.

Jace’s direct orders right after he had gone through the process of deruning had been very clear. He wasn’t allowed to contact anyone in the Institute – this one or any other – again. He was expected to live like a mundane in every aspect and even if he had managed to slip under the radar so far, they all knew that it wouldn’t last long unless he tried to make himself as unnoticeable as possible. Jace was easily recognisable, even more so after everything that had happened in the not so distant past, and they had all agreed that they couldn’t meet in a place frequented by Shadowhunters.

In the end, it had been worth it. Clary had been so happy to see Jace that she’d had a much easier time talking and now, the story made more sense than it had before. She told them about the vision the angel had given her and Magnus had already asked to see it for himself. He’d just started trying to decipher it when Jace had asked, “Why would anyone need to destroy the Soul Sword?”

Clary’s eyes strayed over their little group, finally settling on Jace and Magnus, and Alec felt dread well up in his stomach. “What is it?”

He could barely recognise his own voice and it earned him an almost startled look from Clary as she spoke again. “Under the right circumstances – if it’s fuelled by thunder and pure angel blood – the Soul Sword can destroy every demon blooded creature. As far as its light can reach,” she clarified at the unspoken question. “Cleophas – Luke’s sister – worked with Valentine before; she thinks he’ll try to activate it from the Institute.”

“If anyone else learns about this, we’ll never be able to get things under control.” It had occurred to all of them already, but Jace was the one to speak. “He could kill every Downworlder in the city.”

 _And you_ , Alec wanted to add. _You would die too_. It was very likely that Jace didn’t care – not now, not anymore – and it was too much for Alec to even try and say it out loud, but the thought was still there, the realisation overwhelming by its clarity. His eyes found Jace’s over the table and lingered there and Alec felt the words get stuck in his throat, too heavy to be spoken. _No_. The protest, albeit internal, was all-consuming and Alec was almost grateful when he was distracted from it. Magnus, who had summoned another one of his spell books, drew his attention again as he closed it abruptly.

“Angels speak in symbols. Their messages aren’t supposed to be taken literally. The vision speaks of someone of demonic origin who can destroy the Sword, but there’s more to it. Did you see the Morning star?” The words were directed at Clary and she nodded, brows furrowing. “Well, that answers our question.”

“So it’s Lucifer?” Alec had been taught enough angelic studies through the years to be able to recognise the name immediately. “He’s the only one who can destroy it.”

“No.” If Magnus’s expression was anything to go by, the answer was obvious. “An Angel would never advise mortals to meddle with a Prince of Hell, especially not _him_.”

“Of course not.” Even while responding to what Magnus had said, Jace’s focus on Alec hadn’t wavered. “Morningstar is a _name_. And Lucifer isn’t the only demon blooded creature who’s using it.”

His gaze was almost challenging now; forcing Alec to accept what he’d already known at the back of his mind.

He hadn’t needed to. In a way, Alec had seen where things were going and it didn’t surprise him as much as he’d expected it to – with or without his runes, Jace was still Jace.

▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬

Nothing had gone according to plan. Despite all the efforts they’d thrown into it all, despite all the planning, Valentine had been miles ahead of them, or so it seemed. Jace wasn’t sure why he hadn’t seen it coming; why he’d allowed himself this sliver of hope when he _knew_ his father.

Still, even that had left them with enough support to do what they had meant to in the first place. Valentine was out cold on the floor after he had almost dragged Clary to the Sword and every Downworlder who had trusted them enough to follow them was at the gates of the Institute. Everyone had thought that it would be enough.

It hadn’t been. Not after Valentine had managed to channel the electricity he’d needed through the Soul Sword and Jace’s plan – the way he’d presented it in front of everyone else – to take the Instrument and hand it back to the Clave had failed, leaving him with just one option.

As far as he was aware, Clary was already outside with Simon and Magnus, explaining what had happened to everyone else. It was still wise to get her as far away from the Sword as possible just in case as the Institute was still surrounded by Valentine’s men, but once it was destroyed, they’d take care of that; Jace was sure of it. Alec was the only one left in the hall now and while Jace was grateful for that, he almost wished he’d left too. He hadn’t _expected_ him to – not after all the time when Alec had spent hovering around him like a constant, strangely comforting reminder of the home he’d lost. The memory of that was enough to make his presence now the most natural thing in the world. For years, his home had been where Alec was; even after his runes had been taken away, that hadn’t changed.

“If Valentine activates the Sword, I’m dead anyway.” The words were hurried, Jace’s voice almost stumbling over itself. It wouldn’t be long before his father woke up. “And thousands of others too. There’s nothing I can do.”

“You don’t know that.” The desperation in Alec’s tone would have been enough to change his mind had the situation been different; as it was, it only served to make the inevitable decision all the more difficult. The grip of his parabatai’s hands over his arms was almost painful, but Jace didn’t mind. It felt like it had been so long since he’d been able to feel him through their bond, _so long_ , and if this was the closest he would get to having it back, he would take it. It was more than he’d been hoping for during all the nights he’d spent after his deruning when he’d tried to fight the urge to claw out his skin where the parabatai rune had been in the hopes of finding the missing piece of his soul. To see the sentiment returned brought him a sort of comfort that he wasn’t willing to give up; not even with the knowledge of what would happen next. “We can find a way, and you need to find a way out. If you get out of here-”

“Maybe this was always meant to happen. Have you thought of that?” Alec just needed a push in the right direction to understand him, Jace thought. There was no way he was thinking clearly if he was trying to stop him while knowing what the consequences would be. “I can’t live as a mundane, you know that. This is my choice. It’s as close as I’ll get to having a choice again and I’m not going to let you take it away, Alec. I’m sorry.”

He pulled himself away from Alec’s hold, one hand curling around the Sword’s handle before he’d had the chance to reach out again. It felt cruel to seek reassurance even now; to not look away when he knew what was about to happen, but he couldn’t force himself to. If this was his last conscious thought, he was allowed to be selfish.

Jace could feel the Sword’s magic coursing through his blood and he was distantly surprised by the lack of pain. He could see it crackling through his veins, getting closer and closer to his heart and he tried to hold on, wanting nothing more than to see it _shatter_ in his hands, but it was too late. Before he could draw another breath, the world around him was consumed by light.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were supposed to be two chapters to this, not three and I actually have more material written already, but it felt right to leave it off here before it got disproportionately large compared to the first chapter, so... the conclusion is coming next. In the meantime, I hope you enjoy this and I'd love to know what you think!

It had been a week. A week since Jace had woken up in the Institute surrounded by corpses; a week since he’d captured Valentine and handed him to the Inquisitor; a week since nothing had changed even remotely despite of that.

Jace wasn’t sure what he’d expected. Even if they had wanted to – and he doubted that greatly – there was no way for the Clave’s decision to be reversed. They couldn’t ignore him either; there was no precedent for his situation and no one knew quite what to _do_ with him now. So they’d done what Shadowhunters did best – they had tried to pretend it had never happened.

No one else had followed that example, no matter how much Jace wished that they had. If he’d been able to get around the Downworld before without being recognised before, activating the Sword had put an end to that. Everyone knew who he was now; almost every Downworlder in the city had lost someone they’d known in the attack in the Institute and everyone knew that Valentine was responsible, but that wasn’t quite where their focus was.

Valentine had been captured. There was nothing more to be done on that front. Jace, on the other hand, was right _there_. It was far easier to have someone close by when thinking of vengeance, Jace had discovered, and that had made his life harder than it had been before in ways he’d been unable to predict. Where he’d been warmly welcomed before, he was now barely tolerated and he suspected that even _that_ was mainly out of fear.

Still, there were people – a rather small minority – that had managed to warm up to him. Magnus hadn’t said a thing and Jace didn’t need him to; he was well aware of the truth and he’d even made an effort to try and pacify some of the Warlocks in the city. That, at least, had been a successful strategy – Warlock never went out of his way to bother him.

No, despite his troubles in the Downworld, the most persistent race in Jace’s life hadn’t changed despite his lack of runes.

Even though he was still forbidden from coming into contact with anyone he’d known before, the presence of Shadowhunters in his life hadn’t lessened at all. If anything, it had only increased; Clary was trying to get him to talk about what had happened every chance she got and while she knew that she wasn’t his sister – he’d _told_ her so – she still seemed determined to be as supportive as possible.

Or maybe it wasn’t out of a sense of duty, Jace sometimes thought. Maybe she just did what she thought was right, just like she always had.

He would never fully understand mundanes well enough to be one of them; he was sure of that now. They were just so fundamentally _different_ that even Clary – Clary, with her angel blood and ever-growing knowledge of the magic surrounding her – stood out like an anomaly in the Institute for her way of thinking as much as he did because of her heritage.

Without fully realising it, Jace had given up on the notion of even trying to detach himself from the Shadow world. He wasn’t happy with the way things were – he wasn’t entirely sure he’d ever manage to be at least _content_ with his life again – and he wasn’t home, but he wasn’t too far from it either. For now, it would have to do.

He had his moments of resolve – usually fuelled by his frustration at the Clave’s inability to see reason when it came to Valentine and at his own inability to do anything about it – when he wanted to leave everything behind and never look back, but they never lasted too long. He still had too much to lose, too many people to miss, and with every passing day, the idea seemed more and more unbearable.

He mainly had Alec to blame for that, Jace suspected. His parabatai had taken to filling him in on anything that happened in the Institute every time they met and while Jace was sure that he meant well – Alec _always_ meant well, especially when it came to him – it only made the exile that much more painful; the taste of separation even more bitter than it had been before.

As much as he craved for it, though, the change was still a shock when it happened.

He’d known that something was wrong with Magnus as soon as he’d seen him that night (or maybe some part of him had believed Alec when his parabatai had voiced his concerns about what Valentine had said), but by the time the Warlock had locked him up in his bedroom an set up the hologram that would let them talk to the Inquisitor, he was already aware that despite the body and the magic that went with it, Magnus hadn’t been around for quite a while. And when Valentine – _Valentine_ , who had apparently decided that Jace hadn’t exhausted his uses yet – had presented him to Imogen Herondale and had threatened her with his murder, he had been filled with something close to amusement. Was he really desperate enough to resort to this?

As it turned out, he hadn’t been desperate at all. If anything, he’d been planning this for a while and even if Jace didn’t think that he’d predicted the body switch, he knew perfectly well just how resourceful his father was.

What he _hadn’t_ known was how much of an impact his words would have on the Inquisitor.

She had made a mistake. A terrible one, according to her own words; one that she could never take back, and the pill hadn’t been easy to swallow on either side. She had issued an order on her grandson’s deruning and while Jace had tried to be sympathetic – mainly because he wanted to learn as much as possible about his parents and she was the only one who had the answers – but he couldn’t really bring himself to be; not after everything that had happened.

Alec was _furious_. It didn’t really show – it rarely did with him – but Jace was still able to tell by the frosty edge of his tone alone.

 “A mistake,” he scoffed, turning the Herondale family ring in his hands absently. The Inquisitor had given it to Jace without a second thought despite his mundane status and he suspected that the order that kept him from contacting the Institute had been quietly lifted. The apology was a welcome one even if it was far too late to change anything and Jace clung to what he’d been given like it was a lifeline, desperate not to let this last trace of the life he could have had slide away from him. “If she’s only seeing that because of your last name, then how do we know that we can trust her judgement on _anything_?”

“Valentine killed her family,” Jace shrugged, the slight movement more than enough to send yet another sharp shot of pain down his arm.

“Yes, your parents,” Alec acknowledged quietly. “And even if they weren’t– she had no right to prosecute you for what Valentine did, Jace. _None_.”

The words were jarring despite the circumstances – if Alec was questioning the _Inquisitor_ , then he had to be even more upset than Jace had assumed he was – and Jace looked up, searching for his parabatai’s eyes. He reached out when Alec looked away, only to have him grip his hand to examine his wrists, his gaze fixed on the wounds there.

“Valentine restrained you.” It wasn’t a question, but Jace nodded anyway, for the first time noticing the soreness of the skin where the shackles had been. It was more uncomfortable than painful – or at least it had been before Alec, with a gesture brought forward by years of hunting together, drew out his stele only to drop it back into his pocket. He stood up abruptly, leaving Jace on the bed as he called out over his shoulder, “I’m going to get bandages.”

“I was thinking of asking Magnus to heal them later.” He _hadn’t_ , but it was a better explanation than the actual one: he’d been too preoccupied with everything else to care about the pain. For once, Alec didn’t notice; he just shook his head while cleaning the bruises with painstaking care. The sting of it was almost enough to distract Jace from the fact that his parabatai seemed even more closed off than usual. Almost; the lack of any information coming from the other end of their bond was even more irritating than usual now and it was all Jace could focus on as he tried to read his expression.

“Might not be a good idea,” Alec said, picking up the bandages he’d left on the nightstand. “I don’t think he’s feeling well.”

“Because of the body switch?” Jace couldn’t begin to imagine how intrusive it could have felt for Magnus to know that Valentine had inhabited his body for hours and it only made sense for the Warlock to be as shaken as he had looked when he’d last seen him.

“That too,” Alec nodded. “But– I think it was the agony rune. It brought out something he’d thought he’d forgotten, or so he says.”

“Maybe you should go and talk to him,” Jace suggested, making to draw his arm away. “If he needs help–”

“I don’t think he wants that.” Once he’d secured the bandage, Alec moved to Jace’s other wrist, starting the same process almost absent-mindedly. Shadowhunters rarely healed their wounds the mundane way – if an injury was too serious for an _iratze_ , a Warlock was usually called – and the thought that Alec had to do it for him now, possibly for the first time since they’d met, made something clench painfully inside him. They’d never seemed so different until now, not even after his runes had been taken away and for a moment it was almost unbearable; the realisation that Alec was _careful_ with him because he had no other choice now. “I don’t _know_ what he wants, except to be left alone. If he needs space, then I need to step away.”

“How much space is that?” The question was tentative, but it felt necessary. Alec had sounded just a bit too upset for this to be something he thought they could go through; something in his words had been a bit too _final_ for that to be true. “If he needs to be alone–”

“That doesn’t include you, Jace.” Alec still hadn’t looked up from his task, but his voice suggested that he was stating the obvious. “He wouldn’t just make you leave; not right now.”

“That wasn’t what I was worried about,” Jace waved him off. It really wasn’t; if anything, he’d been trying to figure out a way to get out of Magnus’s hair for a while now. The Warlock hadn’t said anything – he never would, Jace suspected, unless he started causing trouble – but he still wanted to organise everything well enough to know that he didn’t have to rely on anyone for anything. It was the only way for him to make sure that he had things under control and he knew that he would have acted on it already if he’d only had the chance. “I was talking about _you_. Are you okay?”

“Me? I’m not the one who should be upset. He was telling me the truth and I didn’t listen.” When Jace didn’t respond, still waiting for his answer, Alec sighed. “I’m fine. You don’t need to worry.”

He didn’t seem to be lying, but then again, Jace could never be sure now: while he’d known Alec for half of his life, he had always relied on their bond more than he had on his parabatai’s facial expressions and it was like getting to know him all over again; like a glimpse of a world where being separated wouldn’t tear each of them apart the way it had.

Unable – and unwilling – to stop himself, Jace took Alec’s hands in his own. He complied easily enough now that he’d finished his work on the bandages and he let Jace draw him into a hug so tight that it almost hurt.

Sensing the way Alec practically _melted_ into the embrace, Jace hid his smile in the crook of his neck. They’d both needed this, it seemed, and it only made sense: neither of them had shied away from physical contact before because it only seemed to draw them closer together, but now it was all they had left and the impact of it was all the bigger for it. Jace was acutely aware of his parabatai in ways he never had been before; all the sensations raw and somehow too little and too much all at once.

It didn’t matter what it was; it was enough, Jace decided. It would have to be.

*******

Alec’s visits became slightly less frequent after that day. It made sense – he didn’t want to make things between him and Magnus even tenser than they already were – but it also meant that Jace had to think of new and increasingly difficult to find meeting places. He’d become well acquainted with the New York Downworld now that he wasn’t a Shadowhunter so the task didn’t prove to be too hard. Still, Alec’s presence occasionally made the residents of the most magical establishment Jace had led him to even more uncomfortable than they had been at the start – while things were finally settling down, Jace could still feel everyone’s eyes on him and dragging one more Nephilim along wasn’t exactly helping, but he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Things only changed when one day, while Jace had been trying to make a bargain with a werewolf for a vial of faerie dust, he received a call from the Institute. Jace debated the situation for a moment, finally deciding that whatever news he was about to receive was more important than a bit of glamour as he picked up the phone.

“Alec,” he greeted, stepping to the side to avoid the downworlder’s curious eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“It’s me. Hello, Jace.” Isabelle’s tentative greeting floated over the line and Jace found himself smiling in spite of the worry that usually arose every time someone called him from the Institute. He hadn’t talked to Izzy in _ages_ – she’d closed herself off almost as much as he had and Jace had yet to discover why – and he’d missed her more than he’d realised. “There’s something you need to know.”

“Is everyone all right?” Angel, he _hated_ this; hated how in the dark he was about the people who mattered the most to him.

“Yes, everything’s fine.” The words were brimming with an emotion Jace couldn’t quite decipher; excitement mixed with something far more apprehensive. “I just wanted to tell you– the Inquisitor just portalled back to Idris. And she left the Institute in Alec’s hands.”

“That’s amazing! Where is he?” Come to think of it, for news of this calibre, Alec would have called himself and the fact that he hadn’t made Jace stand on edge despite himself.

“He’s in a meeting. His first one, actually.” Now it was much easier to tell what Izzy was feeling by her tone alone. _Pride_. “But that’s not the reason I called. Jace – I think we might be able to get you home.”

*******

“This is insane.” It wasn’t exactly what Jace had meant to say, but it was as honest as he could force himself to be. “No one would ever allow it, Alec, you know that. It’s _insane_.”

“I heard you the first time.” Alec looked exhausted, more so than Jace remembered ever seeing him. They were back to holding their meetings at Magnus’s place under the guise of Alec’s attempts to put together the Downworld cabinet he’d started planning. “Don’t you think I know that? There’s a reason why I haven’t mentioned it to anyone but Izzy yet. But there’s something that Clary said that could probably help us.”

“Clary?” So it had been her idea. It all made sense now – _of course_ it would be Clary, with her inability to give up even after she’d learnt just how unforgiving their world was – but the thought of Alec actually listening to her was both troubling and heart warming. “What did she do?”

“Nothing new. Just, her powers– you both have the same blood, right? Maybe if she can create new runes, you’re able to do something special too.”

“What exactly are you suggesting? I can’t be a Shadowhunter without the runes.”

It wasn’t like he hadn’t considered the possibility of that before. He’d thought about it more times than he could count, but that didn’t change anything – he knew that he was a capable warrior, but it would never be the same without his Marks and the fact that _Alec_ of all people was stubborn enough to try and convince him of the opposite was what surprised him the most.

No, not stubborn, Jace realised. _Desperate_. Alec had been awfully quiet around him after the night of his deruning and while Jace had always had an inkling that his parabatai was doing his best not to remind him of anything that he could miss from his old life unless it was absolutely necessary, it only now occurred to him that Alec had been struggling just as much with Jace’s absence despite all the work he’d had to do in the Institute. And of course he had; their bond was – had been – a two way street, but it was so easy to forget that when he couldn’t feel Alec’s soul intertwined with his own.

He would never get that back, no matter what either of them did. He knew that perfectly well, but he could still feel his resolve crumbling under the weight of Alec’s gaze.

“Jace, please.” Attuned to him as ever regardless of the distance between them, Alec reached over the table, squeezing Jace’s hands in his own in encouragement. “Maybe I can’t fix you, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.”

There were countless things that Jace could have said to that, _I don’t need to be fixed_ being the first of them. But it was a lie – he’d said so himself moments before he’d picked up the Mortal Sword; there was no life for him as a mundane – and even now, he wasn’t too inclined to be dishonest with his parabatai. He couldn’t; he had never been good at turning Alec down when he really insisted on something and he didn’t need to peer into Alec’s current state of mind to see the earnestness in his eyes.

He could have still declined, Jace knew, or convinced him that it wasn’t a good idea. But he had never been good at lying to Alec and Alec had never been good at giving up on him and not for the first time, Jace was more grateful for that than he could express.

“Okay.” Gripping Alec’s hand in response, Jace leant in closer and lowered his voice almost subconsciously. It was a small step and the chances of failure were bigger than ever; it was only natural that no one but Alec would hear him consenting to it. “I’m listening. When do we start?”

*******

Runes or no runes, fighting again – _really_ fighting, instead of just abusing the equipment in Magnus’s training room – was even better than Jace had imagined it would be.

The Seraph blade had come alive under his fingers the moment he’d touched it and while Jace had expected it, the feeling was still exhilarating and he swung the weapon at the nearest demon more eagerly than ever before. He could still remember his first hunt with crystal clarity and the memory couldn’t even compare to the sudden adrenaline rush now.

It _was_ his first hunt in a way, he thought as he sliced through one of the tentacles scaling the wall to his left. After he’d resigned himself to never doing it again, he hadn’t even imagined that things would end up like this and the victory of it made every gesture all the more vicious.

It was strange, borderline unnerving to be unable to feel Alec’s movement through their bond, but Jace managed somehow. He could still see him from the corner of his eye and he grinned as yet another demon burst into flames under his parabatai’s attack.

“I think that was the last one,” he said, the elation in his tone so clear that he could barely recognise his own voice at first. “And you thought an unsanctioned mission would be a bad idea.” Jace turned around, puzzled by the lack of response. “Alec? Alec!”’

He hurried to his parabatai’s side when he saw him leaning against the nearest wall with one hand pressed to his side. It didn’t really help – Jace could still see the blood as it soaked through his shirt.

“Where’s your stele?” The demon had stung him, it seemed, and Alec nodded at one of his jacket’s pockets. Jace reached into it, hands trembling and panic seeping into his voice when he found it empty. “It’s not here!”

“Must have– dropped it.” Alec’s breathing was laboured and he motioned Jace to come closer, his free hand resting on his shoulder. “We just need to get back to Magnus’s place.”

“We need to stop the bleeding first.” Slowly, carefully, Jace lifted up Alec’s shirt until he could examine the injury. It looked like just about any other demonic poisoning – he could tell by the blackened skin around the wound that it was spreading quickly. Magnus’s flat was at least twenty minutes away and it would provide safety – aside from Magnus himself, there was at least an additional stele or two, but they weren’t close enough; especially since Alec’s condition would take a turn for the worse sooner rather than later. Jace vaguely recalled the pain of the same demon species that had stuck him in the alternate dimension he’d visited with Clary and the thought was more sobering than any other until now. He would _not_ let Alec go through the same, no matter what it cost him.

The determination crashed over him like a tidal wave and it felt like all sorts of conflicting sensations – like there was something inside him struggling to get out that couldn’t reach the surface. He chased after it without giving it a second’s thought – _maybe this had always been meant to happen, maybe this would **help** _ – and the next thing he knew, Alec’s wound was stitching itself up right in front of him.

Jace couldn’t tear his eyes away; not even when he heard Alec’s relieved gasp. He hadn’t imagined it, then. The pain had stopped, at least for now, and when Alec spoke up again, his voice sounded much less strained.

“Thank you. It won’t hold for long, but until we get back– Jace?”

“I don’t have your stele.” But he’d seen the rune activate itself; had seen the faint shimmer of it through the thin fabric of Alec’s shirt. Jace laughed; a sharp, hysterical sound born from both relief and incredulity. “It just– I wanted to do something and–”

“You activated it,” Alec finished for him. He sounded almost in awe and he persisted when Jace shook his head. “That’s the only possible explanation. I told you before; there must be something special you can do. Maybe this is it.”

“Activating other Shadowhunters’s runes,” Jace clarified, tone more sardonic than he’d meant for it to be. “You’re right, that would be really useful in battle.”

“It was definitely useful today,” Alec shrugged. Their minds still worked in sync, it seemed, and this – the ichor dripping from their clothes, the half-buried fear that their wounds weren’t completely healed yet and the leftover restlessness from the hunt – was close enough to the way their lives had been before for Jace to almost believe that nothing had changed. Almost. “But I think it might be more than that. Look at your hands.”

Jace complied, dropping the Seraph blade he’d still been holding in one hand. “Are you saying that I can channel angelic power through them?”

“I’m saying,” Alec lifted up one of Jace’s sleeves just enough to expose his wrists entirely, “that all your bruises are gone.”

They were. Come to think of it, Jace felt overall better than he had this morning _before_ the hunt, all the little injuries from his daily training that could usually be fixed with an iratze now disappearing completely.

“That’s not possible.” Worse, it was _unheard_ of. Additional angel blood or not, Shadowhunter who’s been deruned could never use runes again. Even if he was different, it had always been accepted as the undeniable truth and even thinking about questioning that felt like he was being far too optimistic for his own good.

It was unimaginable, he knew that, and even this sliver of hope was much more than he could afford.

That was enough to make it irresistible.

“We have to go.” Under different circumstances, he would have probably left Alec enough time to answer him and they would have probably delved into all the new possibilities that had presented themselves, but as it were, taking Alec back to the flat took priority. “We’ll talk later.”

Jace wasn’t sure whether the prospect of that excited him or terrified him more.

*******

“Maybe we should wait.”

Jace, who had already braced himself for the first touch of Alec’s stele against his skin, let out the breath he’d been holding. “Wait for _what_? Nothing’s going to change unless we do this, Alec.”

“And what if it doesn’t work?” They’d been through this already, but Alec never seemed to get tired of that particular argument. “No one’s ever done this before and you know what the consequences are if things go wrong.”

“Whatever happens, trust me, I’ve had worse.” It wasn’t necessarily true, but it wasn’t a lie either. Once he’d came to live in New York, Jace had realised that his father had Marked him when he’d been far too young and, when he’d got the chance to witness a runing ceremony from the sidelines – namely Izzy’s – he’d been surprised by how relatively painless the process had been. When he’d asked Maryse about it later, she’d said that runing children younger than the age of ten brought to many risks with itself and that it was always better to wait and Jace had realised just how _lucky_ he’d been to live to tell the tale of his own much more private ceremony.

It had taken him years to take in that it hadn’t been luck at all but rather a calculated move on Valentine’s part. He’d known exactly how far he could push him without killing him and he’d done it and if he’d survived that, he would survive this too.

Or at least, that was what he’d told Alec and later on, Izzy, when they’d asked. He’d spared Clary the information because no one had bothered to inform her that the pain of being Marked could be excruciating if not done correctly. She had received her first rune while she’d still been unconscious, Jace himself had placed it there, and he preferred it that way. He’d told Alec early on in the entire ordeal that it was better for her to stay in the dark about it because he knew her well enough to know that if she knew that his life was in danger, she would be too unpredictable for them to trust her to keep it all a secret at first. Clary was happy. If possible, Jace wanted her to remain that way even in the world they lived in; if there was one thing he wanted to help her preserve, it was the _humanity_ she’d somehow kept until now.

He hadn’t been surprised at how readily Alec had agreed to that proposition. What surprised him more was his parabatai’s unwillingness to proceed now that they had finally made a decision. Alec had done everything in his power to keep Jace as close to the world he'd grown up in as he could and for him to have doubts now was too frustrating for Jace to keep quiet.

It wasn’t that he couldn’t understand his fear. He couldn’t _feel_ it, but he could see it in Alec’s eyes, hidden under layer upon layer of determination that he’d worked up to for Jace’s sake. In the past few months, Jace had got much better in guessing what Alec was thinking by his face alone and while it had been out of necessity at first – there was no bond for them to rely on any longer – it had turned into something much different. Without even realising it, Jace had started getting to know him all over again and the process was just as tentative as it had been the first time around. Alec apart from him was an uncharted territory and try as he might, Jace couldn’t force himself to see him the way he had in the past. When they’d still had the bond, it had been different. Alec had been a constant presence, staying by his side – by his _soul_ – no matter what and since their forced separation, things had changed. The helpless anger that had risen during every conversation they’d had in the first month or two had disappeared in favour of something far more tender; something that drove his soul and mind to find their way back to Alec in ways different from the ones they’d lost.

And in the end of the day, it wasn’t just Alec. It was Isabelle and Clary (and, he recalled, they hadn’t even _told_ the girls that they’d be doing this today so as not to give them false hopes) and all the people that he would never get to see again; an entire life that he’d have to forget about. It was worth the risk, even if he was putting everything on the line.

“Do it,” he said, wrapping his fingers around Alec’s wrist and pressing the tip of the stele against his angelic rune. “Otherwise we’ll never know if it’s even possible.”

Alec’s grip around the stele tightened just a fraction. “It’s going to hurt.”

“I know,” Jace said. He found it in himself to smile, to reach over and cup Alec’s face in one hand; the touch just as comforting as it had ever been. “And I know I don’t have any guarantee of success, so I need to do things right this time. In case this doesn’t work–”

“Don’t.” Alec’s voice was strangled, but Jace pressed on. The last time, with the Mortal Sword, everything had been far too rushed for him to say goodbye. Now, he felt as if he had all the time in the world. And it wasn’t just that; back then, he’d looked Alec in the eye as he’d made the decision to end his life – the same life that he’d just dared to try and start again.

“ _In case this doesn’t work_ , there’s something I need you to know. On the night when I activated the Sword, all that I could think about was that I had nothing left. It was the only option I could see.” Mindful of the stele still hovering over his chest, he leant in even closer, drawing Alec into the closest thing to a hug that he could manage just now. “Thank you for proving me wrong.”

“Jace–”

“Come on, Alec.” His smile was more sincere now, widening in spite of himself. If he needed to say goodbye, the last thing he wanted to do was to part with him like he had the last time. “Don’t keep me waiting.”

The reluctance was still clear in Alec’s eyes as he lowered his gaze and Jace was almost convinced that he’d change his mind again when he pressed his stele against the scorched scar of Jace’s angelic rune.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, I _do_ realise how terribly late this chapter is and I'm very sorry for that. It was actually written in the span of few days, and I hope it's worth the wait!

The first thing that Jace felt was the _heat_. He felt feverish; his skin burning and freezing cold all at the same time. Nothing hurt, though, not as much as it should have if his body had rejected the stele’s touch and Jace found himself hoping that that could only mean one thing.

If he wasn’t dead – and wasn’t dying – then that had to mean that he would survive. More than that; it meant that the rune was _working_ and that was enough to make him try and actually regain consciousness if his body would let him.

Waking up was gradual. It was like swimming up from the bottom of a pool and Jace’s quiet world was suddenly filled with sounds and smells and bright sunlight piercing through his closed eyelids. He flinched – everything felt much _sharper_ now and he couldn’t figure out why just yet – and the moment he opened his eyes, Alec was in his field of vision and the relief etched onto his features was enough for Jace to find himself relaxing, too. _Everything was fine_. He wasn’t dead, he wasn’t still a mundane – he was _fine_.

“How are you feeling?”

“Could’ve been worse.” _Understatement of the year_ , Jace thought as he sat up, propping himself against the bed frame. “How long was I out of it? And _why_ is it not worse?”

“About half an hour.” Judging by Alec’s tone, he had counted the seconds and Jace had to bite back a smile. He should have expected Alec to hover around him the entire time. “I activated your iratze. It was supposed to lessen the pain and speed up your recovery, but I don’t think it did much. You still got your first rune all over again; it was bound to hurt.”

“And all the other ones...” If Alec’s apparent – and sudden – ease was anything to go by, everything had gone well, but Jace couldn’t quite drown out his apprehension.

“If the iratze worked, they all will.” Alec nodded, the gesture followed by him pushing Jace back into his original position when he reached for the stele on the windowsill. “You’re still recovering. I’ll do it.”

For once, Jace complied, leaning back against his pillow and closing his eyes as he felt his runes come to life one by one. _Accuracy_. _Surefooted_. _Flexibilty_. _Gift_. _Stamina_. _Tracking_ , in the curl of his palm when Alec trailed his stele over it, his touch feather-light as he held Jace’s hand up to steady it. _Promise_ , with just the tip of his finger and not his stele, aware as ever that it wasn’t a rune that anyone else could draw for him. He’d been fine before, his angel blood still making him faster and stronger than any mundane would be, but it had been nothing like this. His body was buzzing with energy and he was only distracted from the bliss of it when he felt Alec’s hand hesitate over the remnants of their rune.

They couldn’t, they both knew that – there was no knowing what could go wrong – but for the first time in forever, the thought brought only a dull twinge with itself. It would always be painful, the memory of what he had lost, but it wasn’t as unbearable now that he was certain that Alec was still right _there_ , staying by his side despite everything. He’d just had to get to know some parts of him all over again and someday soon, Jace would have to face what that meant for him; what it had meant for quite a while now.

But it didn’t have to be now. They would have time to talk later when they weren’t as overwhelmed by the situation as they were now. Until then, everything else could wait.

“Alec?”  Not everything, perhaps. His parabatai made a non-committal sound as he leant in further so that he could activate the runes up his arm and neck. _Vision_. _Soundless_. _Speed_. _Deflect_. _Equilibrium_. It was exhilarating, getting to feel them all again and recognise the effects they had on his body, but not enough to derail his train of thought completely. “What are we going to do now?”

“What do you mean?” Alec pulled back and bit his lip, assessing the remaining unmarked scars. The examination should have felt clinical, but it _didn’t_ and Jace felt warmth wash over him instead at the realisation that Alec was actually trying to remember every single rune he’d ever had and its position. He’d done great so far and it wasn’t really much of a surprise – the memory was faint, but Jace could still remember the terror coming through their bond when Alec had watched him get deruned. It had to be etched into his memory even now, months later, but there was no way for him to tell without opening the wound anew.

“I mean,” Jace said instead as he settled further back into the bed to help Alec out as he moved to his other side, “that I can’t just waltz back into the Institute and expect everything to be the same. No one would accept it.”

“They’ll have to,” Alec shrugged. He was just about to get started on Jace’s right arm when he reached up to stop him. “Can we not talk about this now? I haven’t even called Izzy to tell her that you’re alive yet.”

 _And why haven’t you?_ It was the first thing that came to mind – Alec had assured her that he would do just that because Isabelle had told him enough times that she’d be worried sick – but Jace knew the answer before the question had had the chance to leave his mouth.

He hadn’t really known how things would go. Jace had lost consciousness as soon as the angelic rune had been applied and he hadn’t shown any signs of improvement before waking up and ever since then, Alec had been too preoccupied with him to follow through on what he’d promised. The thought of his parabatai fidgeting over him, endearing before but heartbreaking now, only drove him to an entirely different conclusion – Alec hadn’t been sure if he would wake up at all and he’d waited; had preferred to bear the tension alone rather than call someone to tell them about it. They’d waited for Magnus to go out before carrying out their experiment and it wasn’t likely that he’d come back in the meantime, which meant that Alec had spent every minute here alone.

The sudden wave of affection he felt for his parabatai rendered him speechless and it must have shown in his expression because the way Alec looked at him changed too; fondness mixed with mild irritation shifting into concern. “Is something wrong?”

“Nothing,” Jace shook his head and pushed Alec’s stele away. “I just thought— I wanted to try and activate my own runes. You know,” he specified, “like I did with yours.”

It wasn’t a lie – he _had_ been thinking about it, even if it hadn’t been just now – but it still made his heart clench painfully at the change of topic. _They had enough time_. Now that he was a Shadowhunter again, they would have all the time in the world to talk. There was no reason to put his parabatai under even more stress after everything he’d gone through because of him.

“No way.” Alec’s tone was far too close to pleading; a stark contrast to the scolding that Jace had expected. “Jace, you just woke up. You’re still exhausted—”

“Thanks to you, I’m not.” Jace got to his feet quickly enough to prove his point, nearly dizzy with the angelic power of the runes thrumming through his veins. “I’m not going to push it. If it doesn’t work, I’ll leave it alone, I swear.” He had to know. It would definitely get him – or _regain_ him, more likely – more support in both the Institute and the Clave itself than he would have received otherwise if word got out about his enhanced abilities. He wouldn’t be able to rely on that forever, but it would be a good start. He was about to be regarded as an anomaly either way; might as well use it to his advantage.

“Okay,” Alec relented at last, but Jace knew better than to think that he was actually pacified – and, as if to prove him right, he stepped even closer like he wasn’t sure he could trust Jace to stay upright once he started his experiment. “But you _will_ tell me if anything’s wrong.”

“Of course.” For Alec’s comfort more than anything else, Jace sat back down at the edge of his bed. He closed his eyes, trying to summon the same determination he’d found in himself the last time. He couldn’t hope to recreate the same reaction his body had produced during their hunt, that much he was certain of, but he could at least try and mimic it and it was not entirely absent; he only needed to reach out for t and take it. It should have been easier now, with his runes helping even more and the awareness of the power he had, but it felt like it was latent now, curled up somewhere inside him and content with the knowledge that it wasn’t actually needed.

Maybe it could only be activated in extreme situations. It was the logical conclusion, but not a satisfying one and he knew that with time and effort, it would develop like any other skill, but it was frustrating for now, when it was his only bargaining chip in front of the Clave.

“Alec,” he called out, opening his eyes and gesturing him impatiently to come closer. “Last time it worked because you were hurt, right? If you’ve still got the wound...”

“I’m not sure it works that way.” Alec looked doubtful, but he sat down next to Jace nevertheless. “But we _can_ try. At least if it just works for healing, you’ll know.” He pulled his shirt off and tossed it to the side, leaving the mostly healed wound on his torso on full display. It hadn’t managed to turn into a scar just yet, but it didn’t feel too threatening either and one look at it was enough for Jace to realise that Alec had been right – it wouldn’t be enough.

He was just about to tell him so when his eyes fell on his parabatai rune.

There wasn’t much left to speak of, really. It was all faint red lines that vaguely resembled the shape the trace of the stele had left once and it was far more painful to look at than he’d expected. It wasn’t like Jace hadn’t known that it would be there – he’d met people who had lost their parabatai before – but the sight of the same thing on Alec’s body was nearly unbearable.

He only realised that his hand had drifted away from the wound he’d meant to heal and to their rune when Alec flinched under his touch. He kept it there, fingers lingering over the all too familiar spot as he felt the first tendrils of _something_ curl up under his skin, the desperate urge to mend what was broken suddenly becoming too strong for him to deny it.

“Jace.” Alec’s tone was sharper now. A reprimand, almost, but there was something pained about it too; something that Jace could feel echoing within him too. “Don’t.”

“Maybe it was always meant to be this way,” he said, stumbling over his own words in an effort to make his parabatai _see_. “We were never meant to be separated. You said it yourself; if one rune worked on me, then all the others should too. _All_ the others, even if they’re lifelong.”

“And what if it doesn’t?”

“Then it doesn’t. No one has to know we’ve even tried it.” This wasn’t what Alec had meant, he knew that, but the alternative was far too heavy for him to try and consider before they’d dared to make an attempt.

They wouldn’t be able to just go on with their lives if they failed, he was sure of it. The disappointment would be much greater then when compared to the hopelessness of before and it would take them quite a while to recover. Over the past few months, Jace had managed to convince himself that he could get used to this; to the gaping pit of emptiness where Alec’s soul had once been. They’d always been aware of the danger that went hand in hand with the bond. Sooner or later, one of them would lose the other. Shadowhunters rarely lived long; the stories of parabatai bonds being severed in the middle of battle were too many for Jace to remember all of them. It was just how it was. But they were _alive_. They were both here and Alec was flesh and blood under his hands and he’d be damned if he didn’t try to recover what they’d lost.

Still holding Alec’s gaze – making sure he wasn’t _actually_ against this – Jace carefully pressed in, his fingers spreading over the roughened lines of the parabatai rune. And there it was again, the indescribable feeling of _energy_ sparking up inside him, racing through his body until it reached its destination.

Alec’s sharp intake of breath was his first clue that it was working. His eyes widened and he was just about to speak when the magic took hold.

 _There it was_. Alec’s entire _being_ rushed through him so quickly that Jace couldn’t take it in all at once. It was nothing like their parabatai ceremony. Back then, it had felt like a slow, careful intertwinement of their souls somewhere in the space between them. Now, it was more like a dam breaking, weeks upon weeks of separation leaving them both incapable of setting one thought apart from another; of deciding which image belonged to whom. And Jace could tell that Alec felt the exact same way: it was exactly that knowledge that made everything so difficult to comprehend and he didn’t _want_ to, not right then; didn’t want to try and make sense of anything that wasn’t this.

Their rune was still glowing even when he took his hand away and it wasn’t the only one – Jace only noticed then that every single rune on his own body had lit up. He knew, theoretically, that he was supposed to be happy – this had been the main goal of his experiment – but there was no way he could even think of focusing on that when Alec was right _there_.

It wasn’t bound to last. He could feel his power flicker even before he heard Alec say, “Jace, that’s enough,” and with his peripheral vision he could see his runes darken one by one until eventually his exhaustion reached the parabatai rune too. The already familiar ache of loneliness took over him once again, but it seemed even stronger now; new and cruel and terrifying when compared to the bliss he’d felt moments ago.

“Don’t overexert yourself,” Alec chided, his arms wrapping around his waist reflexively. Jace sagged into his embrace and stayed there for a small eternity, face buried in Alec’s shoulder as he tried to draw in a breath. “This isn’t necessary.”

“I know,” Jace assured him. “It just— happened.” The wound hadn’t been urgent enough to prompt his instinct to heal, but the sight of Alec’s faded parabatai mark had done just that and it was _telling_ ; more so than Jace would have liked to admit. He was sure that the same would have happened if anyone else he loved was in danger, but that wasn’t the case here. Alec was safe, he was just more distant than he was meant to be and somehow, that had been enough. “And at least we know now. It’s usually pain that triggers it.”

 “You need to rest,” Alec said in response after the short, heavy pause that followed and made to move away. It was typical for him to try and change the topic when he couldn’t find the words to say what he wanted, but Jace found himself feeling irrationally disappointed anyway. “I’ll tell the others that you’re okay and they can come visit, and then we’ll figure out what to do.”

 _I don’t want you to go._ Jace managed to smother his initial reaction, but just barely – he patted Alec on the shoulder in agreement instead and let go. “See you later.”

Alec lingered in the doorframe a second longer, then nodded decisively. “See you.”

And just like that, he was gone. It was slightly different this time. Instead of the usual absence of any sensation from Alec’s direction, he could _feel_ it as the distance between them grew slowly. It paled in comparison to the bond they’d had before, but it was something and the bone-deep knowledge that Alec was live would have to suffice. Jace wasn’t exactly in the position to demand anything more.

He felt the tension he’d been plagued with so far start to uncoil for the first time in weeks, then, and he climbed back in his bed, trying to be as comfortable as possible. He probably did need sleep, and sooner rather than later, the news about his renewed situation would start spreading around, which meant that he wouldn’t be able to take a moment for himself to rest. Even the _thought_ of going back to the Institute and meeting his grandmother again was exhausting and thrilling all at once and, with a sigh at the prospect, Jace closed his eyes and willed his already overtaxed mind to leave all other worries for tomorrow. To his surprise, it was almost too easy – he had to be more tired than he’d realised – and soon enough, he felt himself drift off to sleep.

*******

Jace couldn’t remember the last time he’d been at the Inquisitor’s office. Before he’d been sent to live with the Lightwoods, perhaps? The only thing he knew for sure was that the least time he’d seen her had been at the Institute after Valentine’s abduction and he’d been too tired and overwhelmed then to remember much; just her barely-spoken regret and the family ring he’d ended up with at the end of the day.

It was different now. He was alone – a group of anxious faces had been the last thing he’d seen before he’d stepped through the portal, but no one who mattered had been allowed to come with him. It wasn’t too big of a deal; he’d met up with Clary and Izzy after Alec had brought home the news of his condition and he’d felt at least a bit less doubtful about coming here after that even if he hadn’t said it out loud.

Still, he was on his own now and strangely enough, he was glad. Ever since he’d dared to start imagining that he might actually come back, he’d thought that he would have to do this alone and here he was now.

The place was about as welcoming as welcoming as he’d expected it to be, which was to say not at all. It was definitely a space someone lived in, though, as evinced by the personal belongings scattered around and Jace was just leaning down to take a more thorough look at the notebook that lay opened on the desk when he heard steps approaching.

“Jonathan,” Imogen acknowledged and invited him in the chair opposite of her own with a nod. “Sit down. We have a lot to talk about.”

Without fully meaning to, Jace pulled his chair a little farther from the desk than was strictly necessary before complying. He felt as if he was being reproached without having a clear idea of what exactly he’d done wrong, but then again, his grandmother tended to have that effect on people.

Alexander Lightwood told me that this,” she gestured vaguely at him, “was his idea.”

Of course he had. “We thought it might be worth a try,” Jace ventured. He had no clue how this conversation was going to go, but he wasn’t about to drop the responsibility for everything on Alec no matter what. “After I healed him without a stele, it was obvious that I couldn’t continue living in the mundane world.”

He supposed that it didn’t matter anymore that he hadn’t even _tried_. Living with Magnus Bane hardly counted as living a magic-free human life while it was still a small violation when compared to turning himself into a Shadowhunter again, he preferred to keep some of the details to himself.

The Inquisitor’s lips were pursed into a thin, slightly sardonic smile, as if she’d thought the exact same thing but had decided not to dig too deep into it. “Have you considered the possibility of your continued hunting missions affecting your body’s reaction to the Deruning?”

“I hadn’t gone on a hunt for months before that night,” Jace said and braced himself for the inevitable. “I think it’s the angel blood, Madam. Runes or no runes, it was still enough to activate the Soul Sword, so maybe it’s just retained all of its— abilities.”

He’d expected anger at the mention of the experiments that Valentine had performed but instead, Imogen’s expression seemed to soften just by a fraction. “Yes, of course. It only makes sense.”

Jace nodded but didn’t respond. He had known that no matter what he did, Valentine would always be a difficult topic when it came to the Inquisitor. It was like that with everyone, especially now during the war, but it was even more concentrated with her and talking about him always left him unsure of his next action. He understood – how could he not? – but it was still unnerving and it felt much safer to wait for her to come to a decision instead.

“And it can only be used for healing?” she asked, the scientific interest from before making itself known once again as she pulled herself together and Jace shook his head.

“I’m not sure, but I don’t think so.” Gathering every ounce of focus that he could find in himself, Jace directed the still not entirely familiar force he’d been trying to tame for the past few days to the Speed rune on his neck. The telltale widening of the Inquisitor’s eyes was enough of a sign that he’d achieved the necessary result. “It works with every rune I’ve tried so far.”

There was silence, then, and Jace tried not to squirm under the speculative gaze focused on him while she made her decision. She _had_ to have realised that his entire life would be influenced by this and Jace wondered for a brief, terrible instant whether it had been exactly the idea of this kind of power that had driven her to this position.

“You can return to New York,” Imogen said at least, finally looking up at him again. “I’ll make sure to restore your clearance before you arrive. I have one condition,” she added, raising a hand to stop him when he made to speak and Jace felt his enthusiasm falter. “There’s something I need you to do once you get there.”

“What is it?” Jace knew better than to agree blindly before he’d heard what was required of him. Dealing with Clave officials, even if they happened to be family, was always a little like trying to communicate with Seelies: one could never be too careful.

“It’s about Clarissa,” Imogen admitted. She already looked exasperated and Jace wondered how long she’d had to fight with Clary on something and how she’d still ended up here, asking _him_ for help. “I’ve come to understand that her own powers could be of use to us, but she refuses to cooperate.”

“I’ll see what I can do.” He couldn’t promise anything, that much didn’t even need to be said, but he could already tell that his own attempts would be a little more successful. It was no surprise, really, that Clary had closed off after everything that had happened. She had no reason to trust the Clave – or the Inquisitor, for that matter – but no one ever considered that to be a possibility. She was a Shadowhunter; who else was she supposed to trust? He could almost _see_ his grandmother’s thought process and had to bite back a smile. If she thought that it would be an unachievable task, then he had no intention of telling her otherwise. “If I succeed, should we come here, or—”

“I would like to see you convince her first,” Imogen cut him off. “I’ll let you know what happens after that. But yes. I will need you – and her – to perform several procedures so that we can try and track some of Valentine’s men that haven’t shown up on the map for us yet.”

“I’ll let her know.” The message was clear enough: if he wanted to stay, he would have to make himself as useful as possible. Jace got up to his feet. “Is there anything else we need to discuss?”

“No.” Imogen didn’t move from her place at the desk. “I’ve arranged a portal for you. Good luck.”

This was as close to an actual apology as they were going to get – Jace didn’t need to know her all that well to understand that. “Thank you.”

*******

“And that’s all she wants in return?” The scepticism in Alec’s voice was nearly palpable.

“That’s what she said,” Jace shrugged. “I don’t know. I don’t think it’s that simple, though,” he added as he shuffled the papers on Alec’s desk, desperate to do something with his hands. “She wants us to _use_ those powers and she wants us to help the Clave with it. But hey, I don’t mind. It’s our job anyway, right? The sooner we track these people down, the sooner we can find someone who knows where the Mortal Sword is. And if we don’t, then they’ll know that it’s time to put Valentine under a little more pressure until he talks. Either way, there’s no harm done.”

“Are you sure? You still don’t know what _exactly_ she wants you to do; not in the long run.”

“No,” Jace agreed, “but it’s a risk I have to take. I don’t have a choice. It’s that or nothing. I can’t even be assigned to a different Institute without her permission.”

“No one is getting reassigned anywhere,” Alec cut him off, suddenly twitchy. It wasn’t unheard of for Shadowhunters to live among the mundanes instead of in their local headquarters, but the unease was still understandable – it wasn’t unheard of, but it wasn’t overly _safe_ either.

“I know,” Jace said, his hand wandering over to Alec’s so that he could intertwine their fingers and squeeze them lightly in reassurance. “I’m not going anywhere. You have nothing to worry about.”

“I’m not worried.” Despite the denial, he still looked upset. Jace didn’t need the bond to be able to tell, but he gave it a little push anyway and Alec’s eyes slid shut. “Stop it.”

“Why? It’s never bothered you before.” Jace didn’t back down, his other runes responding to the command too, one by one. His entire focus was still on the parabatai rune and he couldn’t have stopped even if he’d wanted to; his soul eagerly welcoming in every little piece of Alec that he could still feel.

“ _Before_ , we didn’t need to do anything to have this.” Alec’s voice was ever so carefully controlled, but the anger and helplessness that lay beneath still managed to shine through. “And you can’t keep this up forever.”

“It’s better than nothing, isn’t it?” It sounded more like an attempt at bargaining rather than an actual question, but Jace couldn’t help himself. “I _miss_ you,” he admitted, letting go of Alec’s hand so that he could sit down on his desk instead. It was safe to say it now that he knew that his place in the Shadow world was secure once again. “And if this is all we can have—”

“But we _can’t_ have it,” Alec snapped. “We can’t have _anything_. This isn’t something that you can just fix.”

“Let me try.” _Definitely bargaining_ , Jace thought and when he leant in, forehead pressed against Alec’s, there was an edge of desperation to it. “I thought I could deal with this, but I can’t. I’m sorry, Alec, I just can’t.”

It was easy, then, to tilt his head just enough to be able to kiss him, and Jace did just that; brushing their lips together so gently that he could barely feel it. It still sent a shiver down his spine and Alec’s shock was clear as day despite the lack of steady connection between them, but he didn’t protest. It only made Jace more persistent; made him press himself against him until Alec’s lips parted under his and he responded, hesitant at first but slowly growing more and more confident. Jace almost purred when his arms found their way to his shoulders but instead of pulling him closer, Alec pushed him away. He looked beyond shaken; his eyes shining and his breathing shallow as he tried to find his footing.

It was only then that Jace remembered where they were. What was he _thinking_? He was still seated on Alec’s desk, holding on precariously onto the handle of his chair and he was kissing him in the frantic hope of being able to feel his presence properly once again. He dreaded to think what they looked like right now, but the image that his mind conjured was there anyway; sobering and addictive at the same time.

“Parabatai,” Alec started, the word half question, half warning, and Jace shook his head.

“I’m not, though, am I? You said it yourself.” Jace’s free hand absently caressed his rune on Alec’s side. “I can’t fix this. I can’t fix _us_. But I want—” Even if he didn’t know how exactly to put it into words, it all boiled down to one thing, really. “I want _you_ , in any way I can have you. _Nothing_ feels right otherwise and maybe it’s for the better – maybe we’re too dependent on this – but I can’t figure out what to do.”

“Jace, no.” Alec’s voice cut into his turmoil. “I can feel it too. I just thought— it wouldn’t have been fair to mention it when you couldn’t even come home. You had enough on your mind.”

“I’m home now.” It still hadn’t sunk in fully, but apparently it had for Alec: the smile he gave him in return was blinding. “And we have all the time in the world to decide what we want, if that’s what you need.”

“I don’t need all the time in the world.” The answer was almost immediate and Jace settled more comfortably in his place. Clearly, they would be here for a while.

“Then what do you need?”

Alec’s response wasn’t overly wordy, but it _was_ descriptive and really, the thought of complaining about it hadn’t even crossed Jace’s mind.

*******

Kissing Alec in public always felt like a little victory. Of course, the whispers and stares were still there, but they had started becoming rarer and rarer in the months since the first time it had happened. There were people who understood, and it wasn’t just their loved ones – strangers, sometimes, people who had lost their parabatai one way or another and would have given everything to have them back, no matter what they were to each other this time around.

And Jace _did_ have him back. It wasn’t like before, and that was why they’d been allowed to be together – that was why they could steal kisses while picking their breakfast in the mess hall in the morning or walk out of the Institute hand in hand when they went on missions, or countless other little things that Jace would have never imagined before. And if sometimes, when they managed to find some time for themselves, they had found a way to restore their bond to what it had been once, even for just a few moments, then that was yet another thing that just the two of them would know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! This is officially it. It's as happy of an ending I could figure out for this version of Jace and Alec and I had to play around quite a bit with canon lore regarding both runes and the parabatai bond, so hopefully it sounds believable enough. As always, feedback is welcome and I'd love to hear what you think!


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